Part 3: 9/11

I mentioned earlier that my grandmother was getting worse...she declined a lot over that year I was gone & she was partly why I wanted to come home. My theory was "if I can't see it, its not real." Well, by going to Africa, all of a sudden some things became very real-poverty, death, disease, rape, hijackings, senseless acts of violence...all of a sudden I had faces & situations to go with these things...and now, I was also being forced to deal with the fact that I wasn't going to have my grandmother with me forever...which made me wonder about what other terrible things might happen to those I love...which made me wonder...do you get my point? It was a downward spiral of panic...of anxiety for things out of my control. I like control.

And then...9/11. Not sure if I even want to go into all the specific stories surrounding this topic but I will explain because I think it is important to get the bigger picture of God's love for me.

When I was in Kenya-I landed myself in a few situations that quite honestly I thought I was 'okay' with...

Situation 1:
I dealt with an attempted attack when the caravan of matatus (public transport vans crammed with people) I was traveling in was ambushed in the desert. I was the only non-Kenyan...there are so many side stories surrounding this story but the biggest thing in how it related to 9/11 is that the van I was going to get into was covered in Islamic 'scripture' and playing Islamic 'prayers.' Jane refused to get into that van & insisted we get into one with Christian scriptures. Our van was number 1 in the convoy-but we had to stop to fix a flat & therefore became number 2...when we were ambushed by who we believe to be bandits from Sudan-they got the number 1 van. Thankfully we were able to slam on breaks, do a 180, not get shot, & not get captured but we still had to go through the road block in order to get home...we drew straws & my van lost meaning we had to be the ones to get out and fight.

I have no idea how long we waited...it could have been 30 min...it could have been 3 hours...I can't remember but what I do remember is praying...I remember knowing I was right with God and praying for God to give me the strength to fight. A peace came over me...an insane peace and we got out ready to fight. I remember thinking I didn't want my body to lay in the desert & I didn't want to suffer...I remember thinking how much I loved my family & how much I wanted to live so I could spend more time with them...I remember pulling up and seeing blood everywhere...I remember seeing the driver shot in the head (hence my issues with Thomas pointing a gun at my head)...I remember seeing body parts cut off & slashed with what I assume was a machette (hence my issues with knifes)...I remember people dying on the side of the road & Jane telling me that the bandits had raped the women. I remember the radio on the van still playing and listening to the Islamic chanting from the speakers as I looked at this man with a single bullet hole to the head...but I was okay. I was strong. I just couldn't help though...I couldn't stop them from dying...I didn't even have water to help wash this one lady's wounds. Jane and I stood holding hands in utter disbelief that this could have just have easily been us...had it not been for Jane, I would have been on that bus...we swore to never speak of it but when we got home, we heard a lot of similar reports & we decided to talk about it.

Situation 2
On a smaller scale-I got hit really hard in Mombossa by a Muslim man in his 'outfit' I don't know the proper name...but my 'guide' told me I got hit because I was showing too much skin (I had on a sleeveless shirt-never mind the fact we were at the beach...in a tourist town...surrounded by women wearing far less).

Situation 3
While flying home from Mombossa, I sat next to a man who was there when the US Embassy in Kenya was bombed by a terrorist organization that we would soon learn a lot about...I remember listening to his story & telling him how it made me really mad that the countries that these terrorists were from didn't foot the bill for the rebuilding of the embassy...no telling what else I had to say but when I got off the plane, an extremely tall man stood up, and stared me in the eyes for several minutes straight as we were getting ready to get off the plane-he never broke eye contact-never said a word...I remember being really scared of this man...he looked like what I thought Jesus might look like but he was pure evil...I remember honestly being afraid he might follow me back to Naivasha...the man told me after we got off for me to watch my back because 'that man may do great harm to you.' Nothing came of it and I didn't think much of it until 9/11

Situation 4
Not sure how to say it except just to say it...I was going to go meet some people at the Carnivore...it was the 4th of July and my mom and sister were there with me. They were tired (I think they may have just flown into Nairobi or maybe mom was flying out...not sure)...anyway, they THANKFULLY decided to stay at the flat while I went out to meet some peace corp buddies & some embassy workers. We had been warned not to carry American Ids...not to have anything on us that screamed 'AMERICAN'...I even went so far during this story to even throw in a few 'eys' like I was a Canadian lol.

Long long long unbelievable story short-we ended up getting trapped in 'party' where basically there were Arab men & Kenyan prostitutes. I know...I know...this is stupid & not believable but THANKFULLY...I have people that were there to back me up if you don't believe me . Anyway-I sat down & just tried to play cool-needless to say, the 3 whites were slightly noticeable and slightly out of place...we were there well over an hour-not sure how to get out...not sure how long but this story ends with us finding out that there were numerous discussions about kidnappings that day & that several men in the party were recognized as linked to possible threats against Americans...thank you GOD for my mom and sister not being there...and I apologize for putting them in other hairy situations which they LOVE to talk about :)

SO ... 9/11 ... I was starting to hear names I had heard before...I was starting to hear music in the background of documentaries that I recognized...I was starting to realize that I was so close to evil on so many occasions that I don't know how I made it home in one piece...but it was okay...because I was strong & I was fine.

I remember standing in front of my special ed classroom teaching & the principal announcing what had taken place...my friend/classroom assistant and I just looked at each other in complete disbelief and we took turns leaving the classroom to watch it on tv.

In the weeks to follow-I started learning what everyone else was learning but I was also realizing just how lucky I was. Before I left, Kenya had started to get unsafe-they had moved upper Peace Corp workers down towards my area due to safety concerns...the embassy had sent normal updates with increasing acts against Americans...it all became a little too real with 9/11.

With 9/11 my life started to unravel...slowly but surely...and I honestly didn't even realize what was happening until it was too late...but I promise ALL of this has a silver lining...and no, I am not making any of this up and no, I am not even stretching the truth just a little...if anything, I am keeping the really nasty details to myself.

As I thought about whether or not to share any of this-I realized that I have nothing to be ashamed of...nothing at all. If a potential boss were to read this, I would be okay with it. If a former student were to read this as a 16 year old, while some of it is disturbing & I wouldn't want to expose them to this stuff, I'd be okay with it. If my own kids were to read this, I'd be okay with it...nothing 'really' happened to me-its just how I processed it that gave me issues. I live a very 'good' life...a very 'clean' life and if someone were to ever think less of me, pity me, or whatever because of this, I wouldn't care because quite honestly, I don't need those people in my life anyways...like my defense mechanisms? (to be continued)