Part 2: The Fog

I remember being in a constant fog. I remember crying often but never when people could see me. I remember desperately trying to fake being what I thought was normal.

After all, I lived in America for 22 years-I spent 1 year in Africa so honestly, adjusting should not be this difficult. I decided that I would continue on & jump right back into my 'normal' life & that I would just forget the previous year....I would forget starving faces, the poverty, people dying from Aids, I would forget the smells, the sounds, I would forget the possibility of spotting a giraffe on my morning drive to work, I would forget the fact that I didn't save the world...I would forget it all...I would forget all of it in order to be normal...normal is good.

I remember going to Bi-lo to get something like bread and just standing in front of the aisle & being completely unable to make a decision...there were so many choices-choices I didn't have in the bush. I remember feeling a very overwhelming sense of panic, anger, & just disgust that something so simple was so difficult for me to do...and then I got mad that we HAD so many options...doesn't Bi-Lo know how many people all this food could feed?

I remember going to PC for a game & watching in horror as all these young white girls were wearing short short shorts and I remember honestly staring at their white legs & not being able to get over their lack of modesty.

I also remember thinking, "I don't think I have ever seen so many white people in my life-where are all the black people?" LOL (I have a feeling a few of my readers will appreciate this :)

I remember trying to go shopping for new clothes & looking at the price tag & comparing the cost of a pair of jeans vs. a months salary for the Kenyans.

I remember having conversations with people that I pretended to care about...seriously, I didn't care that the nail tech went up 5 dollars or that brownies had too much fat...I really could have cared less.

I remember moving to Mount Pleasant & wanting to beat the living mess out of all the cute little people that had NO clue what life was like outside of daddy paying for them to live a lifestyle they didn't earn or deserve. (PLEASE don't judge me for this comment-it wasn't their fault-but it was how I felt at the time.)

I remember missing birds so much that I went out and bought my beloved Baringo-my African Grey Parrot.

I remember my mom trying to cheer me up by convincing me to buy a 400 dollar leather elephant...it was 4 feet tall & was on sale for 199...I still have Ellie the Elephant...she made me happy & still does.

I remember trying to dress up to go to church, knowing I would have to fake being happy. I remember zoning out during the choir singing & praying that I would stay seated and not give in to the intense desire to stand up and scream.

I also remember wanting to run away from the crowds of people.

I remember trying to fit in with people my own age & realizing that it just wasn't working. I only had a couple people in my life that I thought understood me-both of which ended up letting me down (lesson-don't put all your eggs in one basket & people let you down-God doesn't.)

I remember looking at clothes & thinking our colors are so bright & unfaded from the sun...I missed seeing all those muted colors.

I remember craving Chai Tea...something I HATED in Africa but drank when offered out of respect for the host/hostess.

I remember being scared of white homeless people in Atlanta but not black homeless people (go ahead and laugh...I am :)

I remember going to a club with a wooden weapon in my purse...a skull cracker & feeling very safe that I could crack your skull if you messed with me...and I promise you, if you had messed with me, I would have used it.

I remember an intense sense of fear come over me if I was out driving and it was about to get dark...I had to remind myself that bandits were not waiting for it to get dark so they could hijack me.

I remember, for a split second, the feeling I felt every time I got a mosquito bite-a fear that I would get malaria.

I remember, for a split second, a feeling of fear every time I tried to drink water out of the tap. I had to remind myself that I don't have to boil this water...I am not going to get sick because I drank it but for a split second, I freaked out.

I remember looking for animals while I was driving down Dorchester Road...one time I thought I saw a lion....I finally accepted that squirrels would have to be the highlight of my day. I looked at deer differently too...they became my Thompson's gazelles...rabbits became my dik-diks (small little deerlike animals)...stray cats became my cheetahs:)

I remember almost EVERY little thing, despite my efforts to forget, reminding me of Kenya & it sucked beyond words. I remember entering into the overwhelming feeling that I messed up by coming home...my heart wasn't here & I wasn't sure if it ever would be. I wanted to ship my family & the people I cared about to Kenya so I could have the best of both worlds....that or I just wanted to dig a hole, lie down in it & just go to sleep so I could turn off the constant thoughts running through my head...and then 9/11 happened.

(to be continued...no telling how many times this will be continued lol)